Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
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After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way