@DartsBofficial
@Jesssicle *brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
You Might Also Like
@Jesssicle 
@Contwixt No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
@dreadnaught420 *at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
@kevinthedad until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
@CherBear162 I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
@jonnysun i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
@ch000ch 2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
@TweetPotato314 [First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
@thepunningman wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
@OneFunnyMummy The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.