:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.