@DartsBofficial

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

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@Jesssicle

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

@Contwixt

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

@dreadnaught420

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

@kevinthedad

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

@CherBear162

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

@jonnysun

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

@ch000ch

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

@TweetPotato314

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

@thepunningman

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

@OneFunnyMummy

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.