:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

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*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”


No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.


*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes


until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity


I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.


i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have


2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ


[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.


wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen


The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.