@DartsBofficial

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

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@_NinJar

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@Tommytoughstuff

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

@CVTBaby

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

@ericsshadow

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

@primawesome

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

@1AIMMadellynne

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

@visionbored2

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

@J_Dazzle76

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.