*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
You Might Also Like
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.