S/o to @funTweeters .
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.