Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
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WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.