*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Yes, this is exactly right
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
am i feeling hopeful about the future?