Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?