Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s