Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
groan^2
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting