Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Go hard or stay average
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.