@dshack8 Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
@Andysimpson74 Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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@dshack8 
@Cpin42 NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
@LackOfShame Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
@TheAlexNevil 6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
@Chinchillazllla oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
@wolfmannjr If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
@suecorvette what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
@summerofbenny “I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
@unrulybajan Go hard or stay average
@WheelTod A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.