Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.