Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.