Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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Bloody internet 😳
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?