*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.