Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
he chose this
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge