Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.