Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends