Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Cause of death: Zumba
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.