Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
You Might Also Like
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”