*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
😂😂😂
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Big Sex has us all fooled
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.