[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
how it started vs how it ended
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!