Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
If I ignore life will it go away?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
This kid will have a bright future.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂