[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table