Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn鈥檛 know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn鈥檛 hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I鈥檓 not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
me: what鈥檚 a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
it鈥檚 extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Me: I鈥檓 feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it鈥檚 because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn鈥檛 put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 馃槏馃コ馃コ馃コ they left a first-floor window unlocked and i鈥檓 just walking around in here!
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
This is my bus stop.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that鈥檚 pretty lo, mein
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked