Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Bike for sale
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
finally
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man