Safety first
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I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.