Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[adds another nod to the conversation]
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.