“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
What is going on? 😅
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?