Said the murderer.
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Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”