Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Well well well…
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?