@aparnapkin

Saint West, the patron of selfies

You Might Also Like

@joejwest

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

@SteveKoehler22

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

@Cpin42

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

@Book_Krazy

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

@Mom_Overboard

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

@rockymomax

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now