@aparnapkin
@huntigula Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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@huntigula 
@LouisNel My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
@MrMetsWingman Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
@briantheruller The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
@Mom_Overboard Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
@PanicRestroom I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
@liljonlovitz WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
@ambamthankyamam Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
@ojedge WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
@ariscott [Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast