@aparnapkin
@joejwest ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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@joejwest 
@SteveKoehler22 Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
@Cheeseboy22 Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
@breatheandlove People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
@upsidedowntrash i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
@stephenjmolloy [First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
@Cpin42 Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
@Book_Krazy Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
@Mom_Overboard When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
@rockymomax [gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now