Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE