Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
You Might Also Like
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.