Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
How does one answer this?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
But I really needed water water water
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.