@noog

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

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@OGPoutyMcgee

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

@internetluke

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

@Firawesome

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

@JaymayAllDay

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

@DBMaxP

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

@Brianhopecomedy

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

@LibertyLayne01

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

@JimmerThatisAll

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.