*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better