*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”