Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
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Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.