Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Ken is short for chicken
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
men are simple creatures
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”