salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Still a very good boi….
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.