Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.