SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
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The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus