@daemonic3

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

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@UncleDuke1969

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

@dafruitfreak

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

@onthemauve

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

@KateWhineHall

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

@JohnLyonTweets

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@MomofTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@Supafunkadunka

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours