Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.