*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Ferrari squats
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?