Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
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i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too