Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Seems kinda suspicious
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.