Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
accurate
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
That’s no pocket rocket.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
If you know, you know
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.