Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Education is vital
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
ready to be harvested
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*