Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
こいつ天才
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.