same energy
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
The honesty is refreshing
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea