[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
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You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.