SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints