[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
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Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Thinking about Jeff
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.