Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
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I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.